Blah

Break

2008-12-05T17:28:00.000-08:00

I asked for a sign, and He gave it to me. I will be taking a break from you. I don't know when, or how i'll tell you, but i will. This is too much.

Required field

2008-11-30T21:51:00.000-08:00

Can't think of a title, so there you go. I have neglected my blog for the longest time ever. I just don't feel like writing anything. Alot has happened since i last wrote though. Especially this past 2 weeks.

My boyfriend's dad was admitted to the hospital because he was having chest pains. It was really hard on his family. I had to deal with him (bf) being depressed and shit. He turned into a totally different person. He was not the person i know. No more poking each other during Statistics class. No words were even spoken. The silence was deafening. Painful. It got to the point where i get so relieved after i get out of Statistics class because it meant that i won't be seeing him till the next two days. It hurt me just to see him. During those two weeks, i didn't want to see him at all. His depression was contagious.

I tried to ask him if he wanted me to go to the hospital to visit his dad with him. He said, "...I don't know". It hurt me, ALOT, and i have no idea why. It seemed like he did not want me to be included in his family. It's like I WASN'T family. I guess it's too early to think that.

I was close to giving up. I did not need something like this. My friend knows how hurt i was. But what could i do? My job was to be there for him. That doesn't make me feel like i'm doing enough though. My friend said that being there for him was more than enough. I don't know. I feel like if i don't do anything, i'm being a useless girlfriend.

All my life, i have been deprived of affection. Being affectionate is not big in my family. I envy those who are asked by their parents how their day was, how the exam was. I never had that. I wish i did. And i still am wishing for it. My boyfriend is my only outlet for the repressed affection that i want to let out. If anybody sees me when i'm with him, i'm ALWAYS all over him. I can't help it. I think deep inside, by doing that, i would get the affection that i deserve. At times i do. Most times though, i don't.

I know most of you, if anybody actually reads this, would think that this is a very shallow thing to be depressed about. I don't care. I really don't.

Hiatus

2008-10-05T14:47:00.000-07:00

Um yeah, i'm kind of in a hiatus right now as you can see. I'm able to write right now because i took a break from "studying". Haha.

Just busy with school and work right now. 2 jobs and studying full time in University takes most of my time these days. Not to mention i have to make time for the boyfriend too.

--

I feel incompetent. I'm not sure if that's the right word. I'm taking easy courses right now. But i have Statistics with my boyfriend and one of my closest friends. The boyfriend is taking Microbiology and Organic Chemistry and my friend is taking Philosophy, Physics and Psychology. And what am i taking? Along with Statistics with them, Nutrition and Computer Usage. I feel soooo inferior. They say Statistics is easy and is a joke, but i need to get an A on all of my courses that i'm taking right now. Even just a B+. I want to maintain my GPA. I'm also jealous of my friends who are in the Faculty of Nursing already. I don't know. I just wanna feel like i'm doing something important.

I have decided that i'm going to get a diploma in Photography. I don't know when yet, but i know i will. Possibly in 4 years? After my degree in Nursing? It's only a hobby but i want to be better at it.

October is a very busy month for everyone here. University students that is. I'll probably make a new layout after midterms are done.

And uh, i'm getting my tattoo done this October 20. I'll post a pic i guess. Wish me luck. Haha. I hope i'm brave enough for this. Haha.

Have any of you heard of Lookbook? It's a pretty cool website. Kinda like Sartorialist and Hel-looks. Websites that show styles of people from all over the world.

If you have time, visit my Lookbook page. Thanks :)

Rants and other things

2008-06-30T21:57:00.001-07:00

Note: These are my rants, i have to get it out of my head because if i don't, i don't know what's gonna happen.

There are things that people do to me but i would never do it to them. These might be little things but those little things matter the most.

Honestly, i just wanna be happy. There are times i am, but i'm just always worried about things which results to me not being happy.

I guess i shouldn't expect anything anymore. Just let it happen. If i don't get it, or it doesn't happen, then maybe it wasn't meant to be.

There are times that i worry that i might lose you because of how i am. I don't EVER want to lose you. I hope you can forgive me for how i am. I try my best not to do those things. Believe me, i do.

I want to be happy, please, let me be.

Jealousy and Bitterness

2008-06-23T18:04:00.000-07:00

Jealousy is never a good thing. It consumes people. It poisons their minds. It makes you do bad things.

I don't want to be jealous anymore. I just want to be contented of what i have. Sometimes though, what i have is never enough.

I want to stop being bitter. I want to be happy.

I want to start anew. If i do, would i be happy?

Just....thoughts

2008-05-24T20:48:00.000-07:00

I wanna make a new layout. I wanna be better with it, unfortunately enough, i'm not that good. I wish i had a talent. I get jealous of people who's good at dancing, singing, or whatever talent it is. I don't freaking have one! :| Maybe if i continued doing ballet, that could've been my talent. UGH. Just...whatever.

This is soooo freakin random. I don't even know what to think about. It's just one of those days. I didn't even wanna go home, cause i know when i get home, it'll be worse. Life sucks. :S I know there's bigger problems in the world, but, right now, i think i have the right to be selfish. I'm tired. I don't wanna study anymore, i don't wanna work, i just wanna relax and actually not think about or stress about anything.

Why does it seem like i'm never good enough? I try hard, REALLY HARD, but it seems that no one notices that. They always see my mistakes. Can't you focus on my achievements for once? *sigh*

I'm tired. I put effort on alot of things. At times it pays off, some doesn't at all. When will it be over?

I wish....I just really wish.

Things

2008-05-15T18:34:00.000-07:00

I have abandonment issues ( i sound like Meredith Grey, but i really do have abandonment issues)
It's hard for me to admit that I'm wrong
It's hard for me to say sorry
I could think of a bajillion things and not say one thing about it
Most of the time, i don't say anything when i'm mad or sad
I worry alot
Do something wrong to me and make me mad about it but just give me 20 minutes alone and it's all good
I hate depending on people
I don't like to be a burden to anyone
I hate the feeling like i owe people things
I hate being on time or being late, i have to be at least 15 minutes early

Update?

2008-04-20T10:48:00.001-07:00

It's been a loooonng time since my last update. A month or so? Sooo let's see. Nothing really happened in the past month. The week after my last post was the boyfriend and I's 5th monthsary! <3 He got me these.

We saw it at a shoe store at The Exchange District. I fell in love with it. Haha. He could tell, cause he was the one who asked for my size. :D I love my boyfriend, haha. He knows me toooo well.

I had 2 job interviews that week. One for Le Chateau and one for Aritzia. So i didn't get the job at Le Chateau. LOL. Aritzia, i got to the second interview but they never called me back. Bitches. LOL. Yes, i am hating on them right now. Haha. They could have at least emailed me that they didn't have a position for me.

The week after that was really boring. There's nothing happening in my life! Haha. If i'm not doing anything, i'm just chillin with the boyfriend, and i like it. I'm not the type of person who needs to go some place or party just to have fun. I'm a homebuddy type of person, which translates to boring? I hope not. Haha.

Theeeen, i had my last test for my Nursing class. It was ok. I got my scholarly paper that day too. I got an A! I was soooo happy that day. My final grade for that class is a B+ though. It's cause of that other paper that i got a C+ on (which i didn't write :S, i guess it was my fault). After the test, me and a couple of friends went to the mall cause we don't have time for each other anymore cause our lives are taken over by University stuff. Haha. The boyfriend was supposed to buy me Rayban Wayfarers, so i tried one on, it didn't fit me well, sadly. I found one at bluenotes and it fit me really good. and it was $12! Haha. 10 times cheaper than Raybans, but i still want the original ones. :P

I know i'm such a poser. haha. SHATAP. :P

I applied at Staples and Para Mix. I got accepted at Staples, THANKGOODNESS. HAHA. I need a job really bad. I had an interview with Aldo Shoes as well, but of course, i didn't get any call. SCREW YOU PEOPLE. Hahahaa. Been having alot of haterade lately. LOL. I was hating on the boyfriend too, cause he gets to have all the cool stuff. Haha. There never seems to be any kind of cool clothes for girls, and i hate it. >:( The boyfriend had a cool jacket from Korea and this GSUS shirt that has a scarf connected to it.

I had my Psychology final exam last week, and i'm REALLY glad i got an A. I got an A as a final mark as well. Now i have at least one A on my transcript. Haha.

The boyfriend got his tattoo last Friday. He kept telling me how it hurt really bad, and i kept telling him i know. I'm planning to get one this summer. And he kept telling me again, how it hurt really bad and he doesn't know how imma be able to handle it. so i told him that he can't be there cause i don't want him to see me crying (LOL) and in pain. Haha.

K, so i'm supposed to be studying right now, and here i am, writing on my blog. Imma go now :D

If you're reading this, thanks for putting up with the nonsenseness (not even a word but who cares, HAHA)

P.S. This is my new wallpaper for my phone :D

I got a MacBook!

2008-03-24T15:56:00.000-07:00

LOL yea no i didn't. HAHA. I made my pc look like one tho. Been trying to find a way for a long time, i saw one for vista so i got that but i found the one im looking for.

Down That Path

2008-03-14T21:05:00.001-07:00

We will walk down that path, together, hand-in-hand.

You and Me by Lifehouse

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

PERA

2008-03-10T19:18:00.001-07:00

Lintek na buhay yan a. Lahat na lang tungkol sa pera. Kelan ba hindi magiging tungkol sa pera ang lahat?

Hindi naman ikaw ang nahihirapan, hindi naman ikaw ang na stress, so WHY DO YOU FUCKING CARE?!

UGH.

Alam ko lahat na lang ng entry ko e puro ganito, BASTA. Naiinis talaga ko. Plus, wala namang kasiya siyang nangyayari sa buhay ko. LOL. Lagi na lang school at bahay.

Nakahanap nga ako ng trabaho, ayaw naman ng nanay ko kasi gabi na daw. Hindi naman ako kaya nasa labas para lumandi ano, magtatrabaho kaya ako! MAYGUDNES.

Pero ay ke nat weyt por da summer. (LOL. Natatanga na naman ako kaya ganyan yan. HAHA.)

Isang linggo ko ng hindi nakikita si boypren. Sabi niya ok lang daw yun basta nag-uusap kami, pero para sakin, kailangan ko siyang makita AT makausap. Nababaliw na ko. :(

Freedom

2008-03-09T19:15:00.000-07:00

Why is it so hard to have freedom? I just wanna be able to do what i want and not have anyone dictate me what i can and can't do. I'm really really tired. I'm drained. I just want freedom.

I know i maybe over analyzing this and you might say that there are bigger things out there, but i don't care. How can i think about those things when i can't even control my own life?

I'm not a bad person! I don't do anything wrong AT ALL. All i do is study and stay at home.

I'm done.

I'm on the verge of breaking down.

JUMP! and a Photoshoot

2008-02-22T16:20:00.000-08:00

Lol. Title is JUMP cause i watched Jumper with the boyfriend today. :D

Today was REALLY fun. I'm glad i finally got to chill with him after a long week. We got new haircuts. He had a buzz cut and i had a long bob cut. It's a freaking $70 haircut -_-, for both of us. Buttuh, STILL! Toooo expensive. Haha.

After that we went to eat lunch at Joey's. Good food. Didn't finish mine though cause my little stomach couldn't handle it anymore. LOL.

Then we watched JUMPER! YAY! Haha. Finally. After waiting for a week. :P It was good but not THAT good. Plot was kinda eh, especially the love thing between Hayden and Rachel. Lol.

After that i bought a Nintendo DS Lite to replace the one that my brother lost.

Went to Osborne to drop off resume at Shout and American Apparel. Both are hiring but i'm really hoping i get hired at American Apparel. It would be really cool if i get hired there.

Peanutbuttery (HAHA) as it may sound, but the world disappears when i'm with you. :) You're my fix. Haha.

PHOTOSHOOT. Uh yea, i volunteered to be a model for a friend. :D We went to University of Manitoba and Music Trader. Full set at Blinds and Lockers.

I'm not really a good model. LOL. I didn't even know what to do. Sorry Ate Arriane. =/

Hell

2008-02-17T09:59:00.001-08:00

I am back in hell. I. HATE. IT. I HATE IT! Everything was sooo good. Then now, it's back to normal. When am i gonna get outta here? I can't wait for that time.

Everything is an issue again. Even the fucking Yahoo! Messenger. I. JUST. CAN'T. TAKE. IT. ANYMORE. Someone please take me away. :(

FUCK

2008-02-12T21:03:00.000-08:00

I gotta stop what i'm doing. I just might end up losing the most important person in my life and i don't want that. I'm sorry baby. :(

Can't breath

2008-02-09T20:58:00.000-08:00

Something's wrong. I don't know what it is, but i do know there's something. I hate feeling like this. I feel like i don't have control over things in my life right now. I'm crying for no reason. God, PLEASE help me figure things out. I NEED to know what's wrong.

:|

2008-01-27T08:44:00.000-08:00

Ayoko na. Ayoko na. I'm soooo effing pissed and sad. GAHD. I wanna cry. =/ A fucking B+ on my last Psych test. I was aiming for an A. I missed it by 2 marks. Now my average is back to B+, missed by 1% to be an A. FUUUCCKKK. I felt like i knew everything. This feels like my first test all over again. I did bad. REALLY BAD.

I know it's just a test but i feel like i've let myself down. I'm so used to getting an A on that class and now this. I don't know what to say. I really wanna get an A as a final mark. Even just this course.

Struggle

2008-01-19T20:36:00.001-08:00

Most Hurtful Thing in the World

2008-01-16T14:43:00.000-08:00

When your friend comes to you crying, and you can't do anything but listen to her problems and tell her it's all gonna be okay, THAT is the most hurtful thing in the world.

If only i could kill him for you (but that'll make you sadder so um yea, i don't know about that). I'm sorry because all i can do is listen to you. I wanna talk to him but it's really not my place to do that. I'm sorry cause i'm bad at giving advice. I'm sorry cause i don't know what to do to make you feel better.

I know you're really hurt, but maybe it's best for you to just not be with him. I just think that if he's hurting you THIS much, he doesn't deserve you.

I can tell that you really love him. Those things that you're willing to do, i just think it's too much. I didn't tell you this, but i've been through what you're going through now. You love him to the point that there's nothing left for yourself, you're willing to change things about yourself just to make it work again. It's too much. Like i told you, even if you did those things, but he didn't even put any effort to make it work again, you're still gonna end up being hurt.

Dealing with this kind of thing takes a toll on people. It's tiring. I don't think you should be going through this. You don't deserve someone like him. I wanna tell you to just let him go, but i can't.

Take this as a positive thing. I know you're a strong person and you WILL get through this. It takes time, yes, but we're here for you. We'll help you get through it. Think of the good things that this will bring. There's alot of guys out there that will NOT do this to you.

It hurts me that i can't do anything to alleviate your pain. But i'll always be here for you, just remember that.

Sidenote: I cannot believe you said it's over.

---------------------------------------------

I'm sorry for looking over the things that you were doing and looking at things you weren't doing. I know i'm stupid. I also didn't know you felt that way. I wish you told me.

This just made me realize that you really are something i do NOT EVER wanna lose. I'll do my best to make this work. Even if you don't believe me, you are DEFINITELY THE ONE. I love you. :)

PAKING SHET

2008-01-10T16:20:00.000-08:00

Haha. Oo, magtatagalog ako ngayon. Nabubwiset ako e. SOBRA. Susme, sa mga wala pang boypren diyan e magpasalamat kayo! Haha. Walang nangungunsume sa buhay niyo. Lol. Kung ako lang talaga e lalaki, nako, napakaswerte ng gelpren ko. Hahahaha. Lahat gagawin ko para sa kanya, basta ba di kasama yung pagtalon ng building o kung anong ek ek e. Haha.

Mapagbigay akong tao, lalo na sa mga taong malapit sakin. Minsan, dumadating ako sa puntong wala ng natitira para sakin, parang nagiging martir ba. Ranting lang to. Kasi ba naman, maliit lang na pabor di mo pa magawa. Napakaliit non, sobra. Wag kang mag-alala, hinding hindi na ko hihingi ng kahit anong pabor galing sayo, pero syempre, kung may kailangan ka, gagawin ko yun.

Spell TIRED: C-A-R-L-A

2008-01-07T14:17:00.000-08:00

Warning: These are random thoughts. So if you don't feel like reading(not that anyone reads this haha), click the X button on the top-right corner of your browser. :D

YES, i am freaking tired. I didn't get any sleep last night, and don't ask me why cause i don't have any idea. Haha. I think i have insomnia. If you know any sleeping pills that doesn't need prescription, tell me. Haha. I neeeeddd it!

Try sleeping at 5 am and waking up 2 hours later. Not even deep sleep but light sleep. Ugh. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Haha. Then go to a very boring class. I can pass that Psych class without even going to my classes! I seriously almost fell asleep. Haha.

Also, my lower back freakin' hurts. I fell on my butt yesterday. EFF. Stupid packed snow. Haha. Well, i guess it was my fault. My mom told me that it was slippery, but she didn't tell me which part! Hahaha. I can't even bend over to put on my boots (yes hun, that's what it is hahaha). I had to walk around the mall with back pain. S'all worth it though. Haha. I bought some new clothes. I found a jumper-dress-thingy at AE and it was only for $20! You gotta love clearance sales. Haha. I paired it with a long sleeve shirt that looked like a nightgown or whatever. Haha. Hey, they said sheer top is 'in' right now. Hahahaha.

School Talk:
I have a VERY light schedule. Mostly one class per day. I only have 3 courses anyway.
Why didn't i think of taking Computer Usage instead of Biology? I only need a science elective, it didn't say that i need bio as a science elective. EFF. I wasted $300 on that course.

I have been thinking of getting a dSLR camera for the longest time ever. Why haven't i? Well, it's expensive. Haha. I don't have any money. BOO. Haha. I need a job! Can anyone hook me up? :D

What else, umm, Prison Break and House airs next week, the continuation of the season. Those are the 2 best shows EVER. Next to Heroes that is. :D

Wentworth Miller is LOVE. He is HOT. Haha. I can't believe he's in his 30's though. It doesn't look like it! :D Due to boredom, I searched for his profile on wikipedia, which by the way some people say is not a reliable source haha, it said he graduated from Princeton University with an Undergraduate degree in English literature. Now THAT is something. Haha.

Okay, i think this is enough babbling. I might be updating my blog every week. This is my third blog now and i better update it. Haha.

P.S. I think my layout is too bland. =X I wanna make a new one buttuh, i'm too lazy :D And besides, this is the first layout i've ever made, so i think it's ok? Yes? No? Maybe? I don't know. Haha.

I don't feel it anymore

2008-01-02T21:27:00.000-08:00

Are we still going out? Cause it doesn't feel like it. Whatta way to start the new year hey.

Is it just me or there's something wrong in our relationship? I can feel it. I hate how i feel like this when i don't talk to you but it all goes away when you do. I think you missed me more when we weren't going out yet, when we were just seeing. Would it be better that way? I hope not, cause i really do love you, more than you think i do.

It's also like you don't care at all if you don't talk to me for a whole month. You say you miss me alot, but do you really? I might be happy when i talk to you, but deep inside, i'm hurting alot.

How come we don't have anything to talk about these days? The calls are just hellos and goodbyes. We talk for 5 minutes and that's it for the whole day. I worry about you when i don't hear from you.

There's more to how i really feel right now, i just don't know how to describe it. When i think about it, i feel like there's something heavy on my chest and i really have a hard time breathing.

I hope this all goes away really soon, cause if not, i fear that this might be the end of us.