Sunday, November 30, 2008
Can't think of a title, so there you go. I have neglected my blog for the longest time ever. I just don't feel like writing anything. Alot has happened since i last wrote though. Especially this past 2 weeks.
My boyfriend's dad was admitted to the hospital because he was having chest pains. It was really hard on his family. I had to deal with him (bf) being depressed and shit. He turned into a totally different person. He was not the person i know. No more poking each other during Statistics class. No words were even spoken. The silence was deafening. Painful. It got to the point where i get so relieved after i get out of Statistics class because it meant that i won't be seeing him till the next two days. It hurt me just to see him. During those two weeks, i didn't want to see him at all. His depression was contagious.
I tried to ask him if he wanted me to go to the hospital to visit his dad with him. He said, "...I don't know". It hurt me, ALOT, and i have no idea why. It seemed like he did not want me to be included in his family. It's like I WASN'T family. I guess it's too early to think that.
I was close to giving up. I did not need something like this. My friend knows how hurt i was. But what could i do? My job was to be there for him. That doesn't make me feel like i'm doing enough though. My friend said that being there for him was more than enough. I don't know. I feel like if i don't do anything, i'm being a useless girlfriend.
All my life, i have been deprived of affection. Being affectionate is not big in my family. I envy those who are asked by their parents how their day was, how the exam was. I never had that. I wish i did. And i still am wishing for it. My boyfriend is my only outlet for the repressed affection that i want to let out. If anybody sees me when i'm with him, i'm ALWAYS all over him. I can't help it. I think deep inside, by doing that, i would get the affection that i deserve. At times i do. Most times though, i don't.
I know most of you, if anybody actually reads this, would think that this is a very shallow thing to be depressed about. I don't care. I really don't.