Friday, December 5, 2008

I asked for a sign, and He gave it to me. I will be taking a break from you. I don't know when, or how i'll tell you, but i will. This is too much.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Can't think of a title, so there you go. I have neglected my blog for the longest time ever. I just don't feel like writing anything. Alot has happened since i last wrote though. Especially this past 2 weeks.

My boyfriend's dad was admitted to the hospital because he was having chest pains. It was really hard on his family. I had to deal with him (bf) being depressed and shit. He turned into a totally different person. He was not the person i know. No more poking each other during Statistics class. No words were even spoken. The silence was deafening. Painful. It got to the point where i get so relieved after i get out of Statistics class because it meant that i won't be seeing him till the next two days. It hurt me just to see him. During those two weeks, i didn't want to see him at all. His depression was contagious.

I tried to ask him if he wanted me to go to the hospital to visit his dad with him. He said, "...I don't know". It hurt me, ALOT, and i have no idea why. It seemed like he did not want me to be included in his family. It's like I WASN'T family. I guess it's too early to think that.

I was close to giving up. I did not need something like this. My friend knows how hurt i was. But what could i do? My job was to be there for him. That doesn't make me feel like i'm doing enough though. My friend said that being there for him was more than enough. I don't know. I feel like if i don't do anything, i'm being a useless girlfriend.

All my life, i have been deprived of affection. Being affectionate is not big in my family. I envy those who are asked by their parents how their day was, how the exam was. I never had that. I wish i did. And i still am wishing for it. My boyfriend is my only outlet for the repressed affection that i want to let out. If anybody sees me when i'm with him, i'm ALWAYS all over him. I can't help it. I think deep inside, by doing that, i would get the affection that i deserve. At times i do. Most times though, i don't.

I know most of you, if anybody actually reads this, would think that this is a very shallow thing to be depressed about. I don't care. I really don't.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Um yeah, i'm kind of in a hiatus right now as you can see. I'm able to write right now because i took a break from "studying". Haha.

Just busy with school and work right now. 2 jobs and studying full time in University takes most of my time these days. Not to mention i have to make time for the boyfriend too.

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I feel incompetent. I'm not sure if that's the right word. I'm taking easy courses right now. But i have Statistics with my boyfriend and one of my closest friends. The boyfriend is taking Microbiology and Organic Chemistry and my friend is taking Philosophy, Physics and Psychology. And what am i taking? Along with Statistics with them, Nutrition and Computer Usage. I feel soooo inferior. They say Statistics is easy and is a joke, but i need to get an A on all of my courses that i'm taking right now. Even just a B+. I want to maintain my GPA. I'm also jealous of my friends who are in the Faculty of Nursing already. I don't know. I just wanna feel like i'm doing something important.

I have decided that i'm going to get a diploma in Photography. I don't know when yet, but i know i will. Possibly in 4 years? After my degree in Nursing? It's only a hobby but i want to be better at it.

October is a very busy month for everyone here. University students that is. I'll probably make a new layout after midterms are done.

And uh, i'm getting my tattoo done this October 20. I'll post a pic i guess. Wish me luck. Haha. I hope i'm brave enough for this. Haha.

Have any of you heard of Lookbook? It's a pretty cool website. Kinda like Sartorialist and Hel-looks. Websites that show styles of people from all over the world.

If you have time, visit my Lookbook page. Thanks :)

Monday, June 30, 2008

Note: These are my rants, i have to get it out of my head because if i don't, i don't know what's gonna happen.

There are things that people do to me but i would never do it to them. These might be little things but those little things matter the most.

Honestly, i just wanna be happy. There are times i am, but i'm just always worried about things which results to me not being happy.

I guess i shouldn't expect anything anymore. Just let it happen. If i don't get it, or it doesn't happen, then maybe it wasn't meant to be.

There are times that i worry that i might lose you because of how i am. I don't EVER want to lose you. I hope you can forgive me for how i am. I try my best not to do those things. Believe me, i do.

I want to be happy, please, let me be.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Jealousy is never a good thing. It consumes people. It poisons their minds. It makes you do bad things.

I don't want to be jealous anymore. I just want to be contented of what i have. Sometimes though, what i have is never enough.

I want to stop being bitter. I want to be happy.

I want to start anew. If i do, would i be happy?

Saturday, May 24, 2008

I wanna make a new layout. I wanna be better with it, unfortunately enough, i'm not that good. I wish i had a talent. I get jealous of people who's good at dancing, singing, or whatever talent it is. I don't freaking have one! :| Maybe if i continued doing ballet, that could've been my talent. UGH. Just...whatever.

This is soooo freakin random. I don't even know what to think about. It's just one of those days. I didn't even wanna go home, cause i know when i get home, it'll be worse. Life sucks. :S I know there's bigger problems in the world, but, right now, i think i have the right to be selfish. I'm tired. I don't wanna study anymore, i don't wanna work, i just wanna relax and actually not think about or stress about anything.

Why does it seem like i'm never good enough? I try hard, REALLY HARD, but it seems that no one notices that. They always see my mistakes. Can't you focus on my achievements for once? *sigh*

I'm tired. I put effort on alot of things. At times it pays off, some doesn't at all. When will it be over?

I wish....I just really wish.

Thursday, May 15, 2008